January 30, 2017

Clothes-Optional Cruising — Uncovered

Monday Mantra

The Naked Truth … The Naked Truth … The Naked Truth …

Clothes-Optional Cruising — Uncovered

What do you pack for a nude cruise? Not much.

I’m really not comfortable writing about something that I, personally, haven’t experienced but in the case of nude cruising, I’ll make an exception because ewwwwwwwwwwww!

(NOTE: Since viewing online reviews, photos and videos of nude cruises to write this blog, I am getting all sorts of unsavory ads popping up on my home page so unless you’d like to be invited to The Porn Dude’s site or Spankwire, I’d suggest you refrain from embarking upon similar online research.)

As one who isn’t particularly fond of packing, you’d think a nude cruise would be my ideal. Well, think again. Here, I present a bit of what I’ve learned about nude cruising and a few of the reasons why I’ll keep my shirt (and everything else on) at sea:

–Wholesome? Nude cruises are by no means floating orgies. Primarily designed for couples, propositioning others and leering is frowned upon and, in fact, nudists are fanatical about creating a “non-sexual environment.” So, seriously, what’s the point??

–Real People. You’re not going to find Chris Hemsworth and Gigi Hadad lazing by the pool in the buff. The sad reality is that most guests aboard a nude cruise are older and often out of shape. If I want to see that, I can just look in the mirror.

–Your Ship … But Naked: Nude cruises are always full-ship charters so there’s no chance that your 7-day Caribbean jaunt with Aunt Martha will be partially populated by naked people. And, you may be surprised to learn that these full ship charters are aboard some of your favorite well-known cruise ships.

-Naked … Everywhere (except the formal dining room): Nude karaoke. Nude cooking classes. Nude casino gambling. Nude disco. They lost me at nude karaoke. Totally.

-Where’s That Towel Been?: “Basic nudist etiquette is that you always sit on something, typically a towel.” Well that’s a relief.

–Kooky for the Crew: The ship’s crew is the same as that who will serve your dinner or your martini on your…clothed…sailing the week before or after the nude cruise. The crew remains fully dressed on a nude cruise which is a damn shame considering how cute some of those officers are.

-SPF: A Bazillion: A nude cruiser has no need for party frocks, heels or even a bathing suit but they’ll sure need a four-piece set of luggage to tote their sunscreen supply.

Fans of nude cruising — many of them women — insist that the moment they shed their clothes at sea (three miles from port), self-consciousness and body image concerns fly away like an unattended straw hat on a deck chair. Nobody feels fat. Nobody feels embarrassed. And nobody, I’m sure, has any idea where to keep their card key.

— Judi Cuervo

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Judi Cuervo is a New York City native who fell in love with cruising in 1976 during her first sailing aboard Carnival Cruises’ Mardi Gras. Twenty years later, she began her freelance cruise writing gig and, since that time, has covered mass market, ultra-premium, riverboat and expedition ships for regional, national and international publications as well as cruise websites.

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